My relationship with hair extensions can best be described as many dating relationships are; it’s complicated. My mercurial moods regarding my faux hair shift radically from one day to another. One day I’m swooning like a teenage girl with her first crush and the next I’m a raging lunatic looking to exact Negan-esque revenge on the closest person or object. For your reading pleasure, I have chosen to outline the rise and fall of my hair extension ownership cycle.

Five Stages of the Hair Extension Affair

Stage 1

The first stage begins as all new relationships do. Butterflies flood your stomach, your eyes shine with happiness and a permanent grin takes up residence on your face. Every mirror provides an opportunity for you to affirm that, yes, your new hair is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Have you ever looked more beautiful than you do now, with long, healthy, flowing locks? Certainly not. You will never not love this new part of your life.

Stage 2

Reality sets in. As it turns out, this love affair is not without it’s flaws. It’s not that this relationship is bad. You’re just starting to wonder if the negatives might be outweighing the positives at this point. Hours of your life spent washing, drying, curling, and wrangling this gigantic mound of hair are wearing you down. When the mental torture of this commitment becomes too much to take, sketchy personal hygiene habits start to emerge. How often does one really need to wash their hair, anyway? You are soon justifying your once a week washing habits to anyone who will listen.

Stage 3

You’d rather be alone than continue to live your life in a bad relationship. The breaking point has been reached with the itchy torture that has become the back of your scalp. You can’t remember the last time you had the luxury of running a brush through your hair without inhibition or worry. Suddenly you realize that you are wearing 12 inches of someone else’s hair like a shaggy blanket around your shoulders and you are ready to shed the excess baggage.

Stage 4

The breakup. You are confident with your decision as you stare resolutely at yourself in the hairdresser’s chair. The time has come to part ways and live a life of uninhibited freedom. You don’t need this crutch to be happy! Short hair is the new long hair, right? Soon after the offending hair has been removed,  you are the proud owner of what the beauty industry likes to call the “long bob.” You shake your lightweight, free as a bird hair while staring lovingly at your reflection in the mirror. You will never go back to that dysfunctional relationship again. No way. You are over it.

Stage 5

Summer blooms make way for fall leaves and you make a mental note to talk to your hairdresser about installing new extensions. They weren’t really THAT bad, right? Maybe you were just being overly dramatic and now you have matured into someone who can handle this sort of responsibility. Yes, that’s it. This time it will certainly be different.

All the ❤︎,